Social Skills: Rethinking What We're Actually Teaching
The difference between masking and genuine connection
Traditional social skills training has a complicated history. Teaching autistic children to make eye contact and use neurotypical social scripts has been shown to increase anxiety and burnout in the long run — even when it "works" on the surface.
What we're actually trying to achieve
Connection, not compliance. A child who makes forced eye contact and recites scripts isn't connecting — they're performing. The goal is genuine reciprocal relationships on terms that work for the child's neurology.
What skills actually matter for connection
Shared interest — the foundation
Most lasting autistic friendships form around shared interests, not social scripts. Finding environments where the child's interests are the norm (Minecraft club, robotics team, art program, drama) is often more effective than direct social skills training.
Turn-taking and reciprocity
Games with clear, structured turn-taking rules are excellent natural practice. Board games, card games, building games. The rule-based structure removes ambiguity.
Repair after rupture
Knowing how to reconnect after conflict — apologizing, taking breaks, trying again — is more important than preventing conflict. Conflict is inevitable; repair is the skill.
What research says about masking
Forced masking (behaving neurotypically for social acceptance) is strongly associated with burnout, anxiety, and depression in autistic adolescents and adults. The goal is not to make a child look neurotypical — it's to help them build real relationships while being themselves.
Practical approach
Find one peer who shares a genuine interest. One friendship is enough. Structure interactions around that shared interest with clear expectations. Let the relationship develop at the child's pace.