Following Their Lead

Count your questions for one hour tonight. Most of us are stunned. "What color is that? Where does the cow go? Can you say ball?" We ask because we love them and want to hear them. But to a child, every question is a small exam — and a child who's mostly examined starts tuning out the examiner.

Why questions backfire

A question demands an answer. For a child who finds language hard, that demand lands like pressure — and pressure is the enemy of connection AND of communication. Kids talk most, and connect most, when nothing is required of them.

The alternative: be the narrator

Instead of quizzing, describe. Like a sports announcer with a very small audience:

• They push the train: "The train's going under the bridge."
• They dump the blocks: "Boom. All of them at once."
• They pause and look at something: "You found the fan."

No question mark anywhere. You're proving you're paying attention, handing them words that match exactly what they're doing at the exact moment they care about it — and asking nothing back. That's when words tend to come.

Follow the eyes, not the plan

Their attention is the map. If you brought the farm puzzle but they're watching the curtain move, the curtain is the activity now. Talk about the curtain. Attention you follow builds connection; attention you fight for builds resistance.

Wait longer than feels normal

After you say something — or after anything interesting happens — count five slow seconds in your head. It will feel endless. Our kids often need that long to organize a response, and most of us fill the gap before they get their turn. The pause is where their half of the conversation lives.

Copy them

Imitation is the oldest conversation there is. They tap the table twice; you tap the table twice. They hum a note; you hum it back. Many children who ignore words snap to attention when their own actions echo back at them — you've started a back-and-forth with no language needed. Back-and-forth is the whole foundation. Words ride on top of it later.

Keep a few questions — the real ones

This isn't a ban. "Do you want the red cup or the blue one?" is a real question with a real payoff for them. What you're cutting is the pop quiz — questions you already know the answer to, asked to make language happen. Trade those for narration and waiting, and give it two weeks.

The exhale

Here's the gift hiding in this approach: it's easier. Narrating is lighter than performing enthusiasm and engineering teaching moments. You get to just be with your child, saying true things about what's happening. That's enough. It was always enough.